Oath of the Virginia Beach Tourist

I, ________________________,  do solemnly swear to do the following during my vacation in Virginia Beach this summer...

- Sunburn parts of my body only tourists would sunburn (nostrils, tongue, between toes)

- Walk slowly and aloof on the clearly marked bike path

- Feed seagulls Cheez-Its and Funyuns from my hotel balcony

- Bury my cigarette butts and fast food wrappers on the beach

- Change my child's diaper in full view of everyone and leave it to bake in the sun

- Complete no more than 2 successful football/frisbee exchanges with someone in knee-deep water

- Take "The Wave" bus instead of walking half a block to my hotel

- Wander into the surf zone and ignore all whistle blows until the lifeguard is pointing directly at me from 3 feet away

- Climb onto the jetty rocks and ignore all whistle blows until the lifeguard is pointing directly at me from below

- Tip the lowest amount possible

- Listen attentively and take notes every time a perky Gold Key/PHR representative stops me and proceeds to talk about a timeshare at Turtle Cay Resort

- Choose attire that reveals the most unflattering aspects of my body

- Pee in the ocean and jokingly say "Ooooh! It just got warmer!" so everyone in a 12 foot radius can hear me

- Be thankful that there are only 19 Sunsations locations between 5th and 33rd Street 

- Fail to understand the basic dynamics of wave behavior and render my boogie board/skimboard purchase pointless

- Remove my hat and sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" every time a jet passes overhead

- Get lost and frightened after sunset in the dangerous wasteland west of Pacific Avenue

- Watch the local news and think how weird the local news anchors look

- Enjoy the first few putt-putt holes, then take it real seriously and sulk if losing

- Spend more time in the pristine, disease free hotel pool than the filthy Atlantic Ocean

- Take 173 pictures of the King Neptune Statue

- Spend $58 on games at Flipper McCoys and redeem 1400 tickets for a $2 Stewie Griffin keychain

- Assume the guy flying the plane with the Geico banner back and forth all day long isn't stoned out of his gourd

- Flirt unsuccessfully with the girl/guy from Belarus working at Dairy Queen/bike rental stand/breakfast restaurant/parking lot/gift shop/hotel/amusement park/etc.

- Rent one of those multi-person bikes and realize how embarrassingly out of shape my entire family is

- Admire the Atlantic Avenue street preachers for exercising their right to free speech

- Be thankful the "No Cursing" signs are keeping my kids from hearing people say naughty words

- Waste 130 gallons of water at a Boardwalk shower rinsing off every grain of sand from my body

- Take an additional shower in my hotel room to remove any additional grains of sand

- Purchase a laser pointer and aim it at people's crotches on the Boardwalk

- Enjoy local seafood delicacies shipped in from the Philippines and delivered by Sysco last week

- Accept men in their 40s in matching Hawaiian print shirts playing "Mustang Sally" to a drum machine beat as an authentic "Beach Music" band

- Pose in every ridiculous, unnatural pose those photo peddlers on the beach forcibly command me to do

- Pretend my hungover waitress actually gives a crap about my kid's peanut allergy

- Drive to Lynnhaven Mall and realize that, away from the ocean, Virginia Beach is just like the congested, sprawling, ugly town I came from

- Tap on every aquarium I see

- Believe that nothing unholy occurs on lifeguard stands and beach playgrounds at night

- Envy the carefree life and deep tan of the homeless man sleeping on the Boardwalk bench

- Refuse to drink tea that has been pre-sweetened

- Go home and consider Ocean City, MD or Myrtle Beach, SC next year

Curse of the Meaningless Signs

These signs are all over the Oceanfront in Virginia Beach.

Ask anyone what they mean, and they'll say it means "No Cursing". Right? That's the essence most of us get from this city approved, "must-be-some-kind-of-official-law" sign. "Obscenity (the lightening bolt and number sign and stuff) is Prohibited in the Vicinity of this Sign (hence the big red slash)".  It's pretty easy to understand. It wouldn't mean something else. Cities don't purposely confuse people with nonsensical signs on street posts. Barring a few that confuse everybody on the DMV's test, signs should be universally understood by geniuses and morons alike.  

However, this sign has a "companion" sign that's posted nearby every now and there. A reference sign. It explains what the small round one means a little more in-depth. Just in case you thought you could get away with something not addressed by the other one. Just so the city officially covers everything they want the small one to imply.  

Got all that? It starts off cordial, but then it tells you what you're supposed to do on your visit so "others" can enjoy it, too. However it's rendered totally moot because what you, the people around you, an officer of the law, and a judge consider "obscene or vulgar language or gestures", "sexually explicit", "revealing", "inappropriate", or "behavior which is likely to intimidate, harass, or disrupt" is all different. Keep in mind that these signs aren't posted in a preschool play area. Or an area inhabited solely by sexual predators. Or around the perimeter of a privately owned theme park. They're in plain sight. All over the main, public resort area of a living, breathing American city. The biggest city in Virginia. They're meant to scare you into speaking and behaving a certain way. Don't be tricked. You can say whatever you want. Curse as often as you like. Curse as often as you can. Curse right now! Why?!

You're in the United States of America! 

In 1998, a guy fell out of a canoe in Michigan and began cursing. A man, his wife, and two kids heard it. He was given a $75 ticket and ordered to work four days in a child-care program. Ridiculous, huh? Well, don't fret. The conviction was thrown out and the law to blame for the whole mess was struck down. Read all about it here. The tide is turning against a cursing ban in Pennsylvania, too. A cursing ban was struck down in North Carolina earlier this year. Those laws were on the books for ages, too. Over a hundred years in one case. The city of Virginia Beach isn't even 50 years old. These signs didn't go up until the early 90s.

Cities can't dictate morals. Signs don't control human behavior. People shouldn't be fooled into thinking they can and do. Therefore, the "No Cursing" signs at the Oceanfront in Virginia Beach must come down. By Labor Day 2011. If the signs remain where they are now - the City of Virginia Beach is formally acknowledging that the signs are for dumb people. Hence, the city is firmly stating, without any protest, "the majority of people walking up and down Atlantic Avenue are so dumb that they need signs to remind them not to do anything that might be considered naughty. And yes, dumb enough to believe that a cartoonish metal sign, affixed high up on a pole can dictate public decency." You've got roughly 5 months to come up with a good plan. Folks don't like being called "dumb". Especially dumb angry people.       

Most of us know how to act in public, right? You have an inner voice that tells you when to stop short of burping something rude and hairy in somebody's face. I hope so. Even after a bathtub sized Brandy Alexander, you still have a loose idea of what can get you punched in the gut. We all do. Free thinking "No Cursing" sign supporters claim "Well, the signs are just a reminder to tipsy out-of-towners that tots are present and they should watch their bawdy language" and "Atlantic Avenue is better off with the signs than it was...(leans in closer)... you know...(in a barely audible whisper)... the night Greekfest happened....(looks over shoulder)... shhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Bullshit. Stroll Atlantic Avenue, from 17th Street to 25th Street after 9 P.M. on any June, July, or August night. You'll see blatant examples of filth and obscenity all around you. T-shirts, for sale and being worn as attire, glamorizing binge drinking, sexism, and drug use in full, unavoidable view of any creature with eyes. Tops so tight, shorts so short, and bikinis so flimsy that your appetite and all respect for humanity both fight it out to be lost first. Street preachers fill the air with a tense, thick mood of anger and fear making children cower in their strollers and everybody else needlessly embarrassed.   

Plus, when most people see the signs for the first time - what do they do?  This!

Ha! I love it! If you've done the same thing, go to the special facebook page I started just for you and add your picture.

Please contact me through my facebook page if you or anyone you know has been issued a ticket in Virginia Beach for cursing in public. Not streaking the Boardwalk on acid, stealing a police horse, riding it to the top of Mt. Trashmore, and then cursing - just plain "cursing or using abusive language towards a person". Oh, and not if you threatened to kill somebody. Death threats to anyone are just plain ill-advised in all situations. Even wars. Seek counseling to manage your rage and we hope your dark reality turns sunny in no time.

Share this blog with your pals. I have more research to do, links to click on, and, with your assistance, some hot leads to investigate - so please check back soon. Take the images below and use them for your facebook profile picture. Add them to your wall photos. Do anything you want with 'em.  

Don't support a sign that has no basis in any law. Don't support a sign that is meant to scare people into undefined "decent and moral" behavior. Don't forget to flip it the bird and take a picture of it. I wanna see hundreds of 'em. Dammit!

Thrift Store Review: Disabled American Veteran's Thrift Store, the one across from the huge Salvation Army on Virginia Beach Blvd.

This store is always crowded. No exceptions. Every day of the week. All hours. The parking lot is a nightmare and trying to get across 10 lanes of Virginia Beach Blvd., if you're coming from the Salvation Army across the street, will either be surprisingly simple or an unforgettable near-death experience that isn't worth finding a ceramic clown-cat figurine for $2.98.

But since you made it, you might as well buy some gently used boxer shorts and change into them immediately. Ahhhhhhhhh...much better.

I told you how hard it is to write thrift store reviews the first time I wrote one. You simply cannot write a comprehensive overview of a thrift store's layout, prices, and selection because ALL of those things can change from day to day. What if I wrote about how they always have a bunch of cool 45s and MAD paperbacks, you go the next day and they're all gone? I'd be sued. So, I'm just going to condense my decade of going here and give you the basic gist of this place. Anyway, that first review I did was too long.  Right, 7 faithful readers?  (all together in a monotonous groan - "yyyyyeeeesssss")

The Disabled American Veteran's Thrift Store at 5517 Virginia Beach Blvd. is chock full of piles of books and electronics and all sorts of junk. Wood junk, plastic junk, clay, glass, wire, steel, foam, all sorts. And clothes. Lots of clothes and accessories. You're gonna have to fight for walking space and constantly squeeze past people. You'll most likely get in other people's way, too. Sometimes, it'll be the same person at various locations in the store. The aisles are barely big enough for one person, let alone 2. And unless you're planning on buying 80 pounds of stuff, don't get a cart. There's nothing worse than an old lady blocking your view of something for 20 minutes because she has a cart with a single spoon rest in it.

You will find something good here. Just look hard. Most likely, it won't be in the glass-countered, boutique area up front containing all the "highly collectable and valuable"(wink, wink) stuff. You might find a treasure. Who knows? Stuff is only really worth what you think it's worth, right? Would you rather have a 1961 Don Drysdale baseball card or an old book that used to be on the coffee table at your grandma's house that you always remembered for some reason? 

In the past I've found great records, weird desk stuff, an odd piece of clothing here and there, and wall stuff (posters, art, frames, plaques). There's a seperate section for "wooden" stuff if you're into painting over stuff and making it your own "thing". The prices are pretty dern good and if something's been there for a while, they'll mark it down. I'm waiting for this to go down a dollar. Always wanted one, but there's no way I'm spending $4.98 on it.

  

Again, wear headphones if you got 'em. There's usually a radio station on and they keep interrupting the music with all-important announcements concerning an employee that needs to either go up front or to the back. I also hate when an 18 minute block of commercials comes on the store speakers and we all have to listen to them together.   

All the typical customers are here:

- the hoarders

- the know-it-alls

- the mother of 14s

- the Mr. Fix-its

- the creepy stare stalkers

- the "thripsters" (thrifting hipsters)

- the price gaspers ("It's HOW MUCH?!)

- the feisty tots

- the dumpy bumpers

- the treasure trolls

- the fart & darters

- the merchandise smashers

and last, but not least....

- the solitary Asian man that has his hands clasped behind his back that looks at everything with the greatest of interest, yet rarely unclasps his hands to touch an object

You'll enjoy this store. If you don't see anything worth buying, just take a picture of it. Do you really need more useless, thrift store crap? 

Hidden Paradise at the Oceanfront

This small, secret nature dump has been concealed in the midst of the Oceanfront for decades. Soon, it will only be a memory for those that stumbled upon it. All the surrounding buildings will be demolished in the near future. Go look for it and experience it for a handful of minutes before it's gone.

(As of March 2, 2011, this place is still there. I won't say exactly where it is, but it's about 500 feet away from the Kenny Rogers statue)

(As of March 31, 2011, this place is gone) 

Thrift Store Review: Salvation Army, the one on Virginia Beach Blvd. near Newtown Road

It's almost the end of the year, I'm tired, it's cold, I'm hungover...all qualified reasons to devote the next few blog entries to thrift stores in Virginia Beach and Norfolk. I may venture further, but it simply isn't advised to get out of your car in other parts of Hampton Roads.

First up - The Salvation Army Mega-Store at 5524 Virginia Beach Blvd., just a biscuit's throw from the Norfolk border. You can't miss it. It's the biggest building in Virginia.

One can't justly review an establishment on the information gathered in one visit, so I'm giving you my impressions of this place based on several years of going here. All different days of the week, times of the year/day, in various weather, with and without copious amounts of spending cash, etc. Most of the stores I'll be reviewing are old friends of mine. To me, thrift stores are like museums. Museums that let you touch and buy the items on display. I look through everything thoroughly - most notably, the books, audio/video tapes and records (if any), knick-knacks, electronics, furniture, framed art, and men's stuff. Please keep in mind that I'm not a woman. I'm sorry, but detailed information on the selection of woman's clothing, shoes, and accessories will not be provided. It's pretty much understood that 99% of all clothing in thrift stores is unwanted junk. If there's an obviously vintage piece of clothing, it will most likely be marked up to a ridiculous price. Once in a while, you'll find a little surprise. Something old, cool, cheap, and in good condition. That's the only reason I keep returning.

Things change. Layouts, prices, selection, staff members, etc. Remember - this review is an amalgamation of impressions and experiences at this store over many years. I'm not sure when this one opened. It's not old. But, I've been going at least once every 90 days since it opened. I can't hit the thrift store circuit every week or month like some diehards do. Too many people. Too much junk. Traffic sucks. You get the picture.

Okay. Let's commence.

This store is vast. Too huge. Mainly furniture and clothes. Most of the time, there's modern Christian broadcasting, some sort of Salvation Army radio station, on the store speakers. Yep. So, bring your iPod.

There's a book/record/tape room that is usually deserted. The books aren't in any exact order, kinda, but not really. The oversized art and photo books are too expensive. Waaaaaay too much crime and romance fiction. I mean, just recycle 'em. Nobody wants 'em.

The records are currently smushed in little wall hanging racks...

The only way to look through them easily is to place 10 of them on the floor and keep shifting 10 into successive, "already viewed" racks (tee-hee). I've rarely found anything worth listening to here. I'm not looking for sealed butcher covers, just good 50s-80s stuff I don't have. I've picked up all the basic, required rock records at local thrift stores since my hunting began twenty years ago. Now, I look for one-hit wonders, non-major label releases, promo/dj copies, classic country, and just plain weird music. Heck, if the album cover's hilarious, I'll buy it. Yes, I do hold the distant hope that one day I will find a butcher cover, but it will most definitely not be at this Salvation Army location.  All you'll find here is the typical thrift store record stuff. You know...

Herb Alpert
101 Strings
Jim Nabors
Ray Coniff
Lawrence Welk
Kingston Trio
Andy Williams
Sing Along with Mitch
The Lettermen
Peter Nero
Arthur Fieldler
Johnny Mathis
Henry Mancini
Al Hirt
Bread
Nat King Cole
Dean Martin
Tennessee Ernie Ford
Harry Belafonte
Mills Brothers
Pat Boone
pipe organ
harmonica
religious
polka
...and Christmas records

These no longer have any place or importance in the world. Recycle the sleeves and melt the vinyl. And here's the kicker...last time I checked, they all had $1.99 stickers on them. I'll say it again and again, but it's something that peeves me beyond compare in thrift stores - records should be a dollar. No more. Less is fine, of course. Flip through 'em if you must. If you find something you don't have, it'll be worth it. Just wash your hands after handling all that crap.

Search amidst the countless "Liar Liar" and "Jurassic Park" VHS tapes for something worthwhile if you like. If you don't have the internet, you might find something here that will alleviate the pain of boredom for 89 minutes.

I have found a few good audio tapes for my car here. Weird ones. Search hard. And always check if the right tape's in the case and the little soft cushion thing inside the tape is firmly attached. They should be 50 cents. Heck of a deal.

The knick-knacks are all mixed up. Prices range from "Hmmmmmm, that's fair" to "Good God, that's insane". I have no need for porcelain statues with the noses chipped off or mini African masks, so I don't linger in this area. I used to. Not anymore.

Don't buy kitchen stuff from thrift stores. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate.

Furniture selection seems good. You'll see at least one of those metal futon frames that they made 180 billion of in 1998. And there will be an unplugged organ somewhere. Expensive and dusty. Only plug it in if you can rock it like Billy Preston.

Of course, there's always a middle-aged man in a beige windbreaker finagling with some piece of stereo equipment at every thrift store in the world. Talking to himself and making a mess. At some point, a button will be pressed and you'll hear an extremely loud burst of radio static immediately followed by him saying something like "Oh, so that's what that does" and chuckling to himself.

I have found a few good tour t-shirts here. Sting and Michael Bolton. 99 cents each. That's a fair price in my book. Search through the racks, but be warned, they're full of endless amounts of ugly, unneeded clothes. Clothes that will most likely be sent to Guatemala next month.

The thing that grabs my goat about this store is the special, glass-cased, rare and expensive item section near the middle. Here's where you can witness the dangerous, corrosive power of "Antiques Roadshow" upon the common thrift store treasure seeker. Here, you'll find stuff that has no reason being in a locked case with completely unwarranted, astronomical prices. Check out these record prices....The Sound of Music soundtrack, with water damaged sleeve - $30. A worn, faded Moody Blues album - $25. A Dan Fogelberg album - $20.  I also spotted this...

Those are the pictures that were included in the Beatles' White Album. Not just the first pressing in 1968. I bought a new copy of the White Album in the late eighties at Lynnhaven Mall and the pictures came with it. Sure, for somebody that doesn't know, $25 for individual 8X10, glossy pictures of The Beatles might be a good deal, but this is just one example of the wacky pricing of "collectible material" that you'll witness at this store. As for the three price tags on the plastic bag...I'm stumped.  

I'm convinced that all Salvation Army store managers were told by their regional managers to look up any donated item appearing "vintage" on ebay, see what the going price is, and go with it. Sure, lots of folks like me and you will probably scoff at the price, but it just takes one nutty fool to pay it. That's all that matters.  

I know I may sound like old man penny pincher, but I have been behind people in line at this and other Salvation Army stores that complain and raise all hell about a dollar or two discrepancy in the price charged and the price listed on the tag. I don't do that. I can't. It's happened, but I dismiss it. It's a dollar. It's going to a good cause. Shut up. That's entirely different than the store asking a dumb amount for something. Why doesn't the Salvation Army actually set up an ebay store for these high-priced items? Somebody find out.

Old toys and ornamental items line these glass shelves with prices that would be out of place in any antique store. I asked an employee to unlock a case so I could see an acoustic guitar. After a heavy eye roll and audible sigh, she obliged - remaining just an arm's length away so I wouldn't grab everything and make a run for it. I picked it up and strummed it. Blllluuuuuuung. It sounded horrible. Yeah, it was a child's guitar from the 60s and looked cool, but it wasn't playable. There were dings all over it and the strings were about 2 inches above the neck. I flipped the price tag around. $200. Non-negotiable. Ridiculous.

If you're down that way, go in and browse. There's lots of junk, but you'll probably find something good. It's big and roomy, so you can easily escape any creepy person that seems to be following you. Not at all like the place across the street.  

We're No. 1 with Uhrin!

I caught up with Dena Phoop, Chairwoman of the "Elect John Uhrin to Virginia Beach City Council and Keep Re-Electing Him Until He Slides into the Mayor's Position" Committee while she was jogging in First Landing State Park and had a chance to ask her some quick questions about our man, Da' Uhrinator!

TL:  Miss Phoop, how do you feel about John Uhrin's unchallenged bid for a city council seat this year?

DP:  It's just as we expected. Why would anyone else bother running against him?

TL:  According to a link I found, he raised $41,500 this year and he's got $25,113 left. What the heck did he use all that money for if there was no need to do any campaigning or anything?

DP:  There were $16,393 in itemized expenses.

TL:  For what?

DP:  Things.

TL:  Will he be donating the rest to some worthy local charity on November 3rd?

DP:  No.

TL:  According to the same website, John's contact address is listed as 1000 Atlantic Avenue, Virginia Beach, VA, 23451. Is that his official campaign headquarters?

DP:  No, it's a Days Inn.

TL:  Odd. Does he live there?

DP:  No.

TL:  Then, uh...why is it his official campaign headquarters?

DP:  It clearly states on the city's website that  Mr. Uhrin oversees the operation of 6 hotels at the beach. He's director of operations for Burlage Management.

TL:  Yeah, I saw that. I looked all over for an official Burlage Management website and there isn't one.

DP:  Right. There isn't one.

She runs far ahead of me while I lean up against a tree for a while to catch my breath. I cut through the woods, wade through some swamp water and, 23 minutes later, catch up with her.

TL:  I thought a website, even a dinky one, was necessary and required in this modern digital age?

DP:  Nope.

TL:  And, come to think of it, there isn't an official John Uhrin website, either. You know, one for clearly stating his views and standpoints and affiliations and stuff. I mean, with all that money in his pot, couldn't he have one made - just to have some sort of place folks could go and learn more about their city councilman. Ask him questions, see what he looked like as a kid, you know, all the basic stuff.

DP:  No.

TL:  Has he had time to enjoy the 1,400  foot, $1.1 million dollar wooden bridge on Lake Holly?

DP:  No.

TL:  Does he always carry scissors around?

DP:  Yes.

TL:  Did he learn a valuable lesson after stuffing himself silly on steamed clams and oysters that had been sitting at room temperature for several hours in a banquet room at a fundraising event last April for Dave Redmond, Candidate for an At-Large seat on Virginia Beach City Council?

DP:  Yes.

TL:  Did any of the $8,500 he donated to Dave Redmond go towards taking this incredibly lame picture of him sitting in the off limit dune area on the coast of Virginia Beach?

We both stop so she can look at this picture.

I continue running and she catches up with me.

DP:  Yes.

TL:  Was this photograph AND sweatshirt Mr. Uhrin's idea to make Mr. Redmond appear "beachy" and or "casual"?

DP:  Yes.

TL:  Is it not the most hilarious thing you've seen in quite a while?

DP:  Yes it is.  Hilarious and sad.  

TL:  Did Mr. Uhrin take the photograph?

DP:  (pause) Yes.

TL:  Will he ever ride light rail when it's completed?

DP:  No.

I start running backwards, out in front of her.

TL:  Will he, together with the handful of like-minded city officials and developers that always seem to get exactly what they want around here, slowly, piece by piece, make the Virginia Beach oceanfront into a super, mega-resort town on horse steroids? Totally devoid of any aesthetic value or quaint, Southern beach town charm? Are his primary interests in the city summed up by the words "more", "big", "now", "money"?

DP:  Yes.

TL:  On page 2 of the election results from 2006, it shows that John won the election with 17,580 votes and 44,469 ballots were cast out of a possible 261,869 registered voters.

DP:  Yes.

TL:  I'm no statistician, but those are just pitiful numbers. Downright embarrassing for everyone. The people of Virginia Beach, the candidates...only a few people really give a hoot to vote.

DP:  Yes. And it doesn't really matter who wins in the end. Virginia Beach isn't run by politicians. They're puppets. They dance on strings controlled by people with money in order to make more money so more people can hold more puppet strings...including most of the politicians themselves. 

I turn around and slow down considerably. She passes me.

TL:  (to myself) Oh my God.  Puppets...controlling puppets.

DP:  It's been like that since the beginning of time and it will always be the same

TL:  One last thing, his name...is it really pronoun-

DP:  Yes.  "Yer-In".  Like pee. Get over it and act like an adult.

I stop. She continues running.

TL:  (yelling) And your name...is it really pr-

DP:  (yelling) "Foop".  It's Dena "Foop".

At that moment, a great wave of shock and sadness flowed through my entire body. I realized I'd been running this whole time with my fly down. How embarrassing!

Get out and vote, folks. It doesn't matter for who or for what reason, but it's something fun to do before or after several beers.

A Little Stab'll Do Ya

Hello - This blog is old, but still on the internet for people all over the world (including Yorktown) to read and enjoy. Many of the links have expired. Search the local newspapers if you need proof of these crimes for some weird reason.

Lots and lots of stabbings have occured at the Beach this year. This guy from Maryland stabbed somebody this past Saturday after they got into a fight on a trolley.

A woman was standing on the beach near Shore Drive, talking on the phone, when this dude snuck up behind her and cut her neck just about a week ago.  

http://hamptonroads.com/2011/04/man-pleads-guilty-attack-woman-va-beach, or google "Stephen James Franklin Shore Drive Attack"

In May, a young man from the Dominican Republic suffered gashes all over his head and had the tendons and veins in his right wrist sliced on Pacific Avenue by this samurai sword wielding maniac. 

http://hamptonroads.com/2011/04/man-pleads-guilty-attack-woman-va-beach or google "Jeremie Alan OrtonVirginia Beach Samurai Sword"     

Those were the ones that received attention from the local media, but there must be a bunch more.  Possibly hundreds of millions. I'm guessing close to a billion. 

Have you ever been at the Oceanfront after midnight? Not lickin' an ice cream cone on a bench in front of King Neptune or smootching your hand in a lifeguard stand - that doesn't count. I'm talking about walking or riding a bike on the numbered streets when nobody's around. It's scary as hell. 

Even in bright, hot sunlight I've noticed creepy folks up to no good at the Beach. They live in the crappy hotels along Pacific and Arctic Avenue or further inland in crappy apartment complexes. They're looking for people to rob. They're addicted to some form of cocaine, meth, or pills. They're looking for people walking to or from work. People on vacation. People not paying attention.

Soooooo, pay attention. Travel in groups. If you're alone, be quick. Don't linger. If some fool jumps out and scares the crap out of you, yell "FIRE" and run towards activity. 

Vortex of Sloppy Confusion: 29th Street and Arctic Avenue

The road's all covered with sand and dirt - so thick you can't ride a bike on it. I don't see any "No Trespassing" signs, so I'm goin' in...

Pumps and tubes and plastic poles and valves plopped all around...

There's a loud, chuggling pump sucking water from somewhere underground...

...and dumping it in down an open manhole. No. "Manhole" sounds gross. It's a sewer drain or some sort of drainage pipe. The gravel has been stained with rust...never seen that before...gross...

Should someone be around? Guarding it? Supervising?  I mean, I could just puncture the tube and leave...

I could tip that portable toilet over. What if Bruce Thompson's in it right NOW? Nobody's around.  Anywhere. If somebody saw something from one of those condos, and called the cops, I'd be long gone by the time they arrived. Hey, who am I kidding, those condos are half empty and people don't look out windows anymore...

Naw...I better not do anything. I'll just head down to the beach, buy a Big-Gulp and a beer, go around back of the 7-Eleven, dump out the Big-Gulp, tilt the cup, and pour the beer in. The sun's getting low and I want to watch the dolphins dance. Plus, all this water splashing noise made me have to pee.  

(Well, it looks like all the mess is for this or this. You know, the whole Laskin Road area redevelopment chaos. Shoulda known.)

Heavy Metal Detector

I watched this guy scan a small patch of sand, dig up a chunk, shake it around, and scan it again for roughly 17 minutes.

He didn't find anything.

At least he's getting some exercise. 

Marshview Mayhem

UPDATE: WATCH THIS LOCAL NEWS STORY ABOUT Marshview Park!

You know that gigantic chunk of land near Salt Marsh Point in Virginia Beach?  Right on Rudee Inlet?  Since the 80's it's been the Navy's official "Crash Here if You're Gonna Crash" site for jets - most likely saving it from becoming the dumping ground for 6,000 additional Land's End condos.  You know - these things...

Bluh.

The fact that a jet from Oceana could come crashing down in it at any moment hasn't stopped nearby residents and homeless folks from doing pretty much anything they wanted to do in it - get drunk, smash bottles, ride ATVs, shoot guns, scare people, jog, etc. - but, soon, all that unsupervised, secret fun is about to come to an abrupt halt. 

The City of Virginia Beach just made a real esate deal with the Navy and plans to turn the property into a "low-density" park.  Sounds like pretty good news, huh? Well, Tidewater Log has obtained the final plans for the park and doesn't see how the term "low-density" applies to a 98 acre parcel of land covered entirely with trails and junk. Check it out - click on it to see it closer.

I mean...uhhh...WOW. I don't even know where to start on this wacky plan.  A "Kid's Zone"?  You don't mean a playground, do you?  A "Nature Museum" in the middle of what is currently a healthy, vibrant ecosystem? A stage? For what?! Lewis McGehee concerts? The "View Tower" might have been interesting - if you would have kept something natural to view down upon. I simply can't imagine all the trees that are gonna be removed for all this crap. Get ready for a mass exodus of raccoons and squirrels into the surrounding neighborhoods. And what about all the construction chaos? Yeeesh, that's gonna suck. By the way, who is paying for all of this? The city? I thought we were in debt?! Don't tell me there's gonna be an admission charge. And a parking fee. And "trail upkeep tax". And a mandatory t-shirt purchase.

Of course, there's got to be a gift shop - it wouldn't be right without one. Right on the small peninsula behind Shadowlawn. Great idea! And is that a bridge actually joining the end of Goldsboro Avenue to the park? Ummmmm, you may wanna talk to some of the residents about that. I think you'll be rebuilding that bridge a few times a year...unless you make it fireproof. That can't be cheap.

And, I'm really curious about the trail planning. Have you noticed that there are several existing trails already back there? Has anyone from the city been back there? I've been riding my bike on the property for years and, aside from having to clear some fallen branches or a hobo every now and then, the trails are quite good. And logical. Send someone back there. Someone in a cheap suit with a pith helmet and mosquito netting.

The above, final design was made by someone - or, most likely, a team of overepaid, clueless doofs - with no knowledge of the property, no consideration for the people that live around it, and no common sense of aesthetics or ecology.

Change it. Now.

Search for Storm Troopers

This photo of the Virginia Beach Fishing Pier was taken in the early 1990s as a big, ol' storm was brewing in the Atlantic (please click on it to see it bigger)

Tidewater Log is looking for ANYONE that can identify ANYBODY in this photograph. 

Particularly, THESE people -

                                         Mr. and Mrs. Motorcycle

Mullett Man (in white shirt, against railing) and The Loner (foreground)

                                         Kid Fearless and His Cautious Granny

The Pampered Pooch, its Owner, and Mr. "Yes, Dear"

                                          ....and el Hombre muy Nervioso

Please help. I'm thinking about turning this photo into a mini-series or a puppet show and need everyone's permission before starting...tonight.