Friday, May 27, 2011

Oath of the Virginia Beach Tourist

























I, ________________________,  do solemnly swear to do the following during my vacation in Virginia Beach this summer...

- Sunburn parts of my body only tourists would sunburn (nostrils, tongue, between toes)

- Walk slowly and aloof on the clearly marked bike path

- Feed seagulls Cheez-Its and Funyuns from my hotel balcony

- Bury my cigarette butts and fast food wrappers on the beach

- Change my child's diaper in full view of everyone and leave it to bake in the sun

- Complete no more than 2 successful football/frisbee exchanges with someone in knee-deep water

- Take "The Wave" bus instead of walking half a block to my hotel

- Wander into the surf zone and ignore all whistle blows until the lifeguard is pointing directly at me from the shore

- Climb onto the jetty rocks and ignore all whistle blows until the lifeguard is pointing directly at me from below

- Tip the lowest amount possible

- Listen attentively and take notes every time a perky Gold Key/PHR representative stops me and proceeds to talk about a timeshare at Turtle Cay Resort

- Choose attire that reveals the most unflattering aspects of my body

- Pee in the ocean and jokingly say "Ooooh!  It just got warmer!" so everyone in a 12 foot radius can hear me

- Be thankful that there are only 9 Sunsations locations between 5th and 33rd Street 

- Fail to understand the basic dynamics of wave behavior and render my boogie board/skimboard purchase pointless

- Remove my hat and sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" every time a jet passes overhead

- Get lost and frightened after sunset in the dangerous wasteland west of Pacific Avenue

- Watch the local news and think how weird the local news anchors look

- Enjoy the first few putt-putt holes, then take it real seriously and sulk if losing

- Spend more time in the pristine, disease free hotel pool than the filthy Atlantic Ocean

- Take 173 pictures of the King Neptune Statue

- Spend $58 on games at Flipper McCoys and redeem 1400 tickets for a $2 Stewie Griffin keychain

- Assume the guy flying the plane with the Geico banner back and forth all day long isn't stoned out of his gourd

- Flirt unsuccessfully with the girl/guy from Belarus working at Dairy Queen/bike rental stand/breakfast restaurant/parking lot/gift shop/hotel/amusement park/etc.

- Rent one of those multi-person bikes and realize how embarrassingly out of shape my entire family is

- Admire the Atlantic Avenue street preachers for exercising their right to free speech

- Be thankful the "No Cursing" signs are keeping my kids from hearing people say naughty words

- Waste 130 gallons of water at a Boardwalk shower rinsing off every grain of sand from my body

- Take an additional shower in my hotel room to remove any additional grains of sand

- Purchase a laser pointer and aim it at people's crotches on the Boardwalk

- Enjoy local seafood delicacies shipped in from the Philippines

- Accept men in their 40s in matching Hawaiian print shirts playing "Mustang Sally" to a drum machine beat as an authentic "Beach Music" band

- Pose in every ridiculous, unnatural pose those photo peddlers on the beach forcibly command me to do

- Pretend my hungover waitress actually gives a crap about my kid's peanut allergy

- Drive to Lynnhaven Mall and realize that, away from the ocean, Virginia Beach is just like the congested, sprawling, ugly town I came from

- Tap on every aquarium I see

- Believe that nothing unholy occurs on lifeguard stands and beach playgrounds at night

- Envy the carefree life and deep tan of the homeless man sleeping on the Boardwalk bench

- Refuse to drink tea that has been pre-sweetened

- Go home and consider Ocean City, MD or Myrtle Beach, SC next year