Oath of the Virginia Beach Tourist

I, ________________________,  do solemnly swear to do the following during my vacation in Virginia Beach this summer...

- Sunburn parts of my body only tourists would sunburn (nostrils, tongue, between toes)

- Walk slowly and aloof on the clearly marked bike path

- Feed seagulls Cheez-Its and Funyuns from my hotel balcony

- Bury my cigarette butts and fast food wrappers on the beach

- Change my child's diaper in full view of everyone and leave it to bake in the sun

- Complete no more than 2 successful football/frisbee exchanges with someone in knee-deep water

- Take "The Wave" bus instead of walking half a block to my hotel

- Wander into the surf zone and ignore all whistle blows until the lifeguard is pointing directly at me from the shore

- Climb onto the jetty rocks and ignore all whistle blows until the lifeguard is pointing directly at me from below

- Tip the lowest amount possible

- Listen attentively and take notes every time a perky Gold Key/PHR representative stops me and proceeds to talk about a timeshare at Turtle Cay Resort

- Choose attire that reveals the most unflattering aspects of my body

- Pee in the ocean and jokingly say "Ooooh!  It just got warmer!" so everyone in a 12 foot radius can hear me

- Be thankful that there are only 9 Sunsations locations between 5th and 33rd Street 

- Fail to understand the basic dynamics of wave behavior and render my boogie board/skimboard purchase pointless

- Remove my hat and sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" every time a jet passes overhead

- Get lost and frightened after sunset in the dangerous wasteland west of Pacific Avenue

- Watch the local news and think how weird the local news anchors look

- Enjoy the first few putt-putt holes, then take it real seriously and sulk if losing

- Spend more time in the pristine, disease free hotel pool than the filthy Atlantic Ocean

- Take 173 pictures of the King Neptune Statue

- Spend $58 on games at Flipper McCoys and redeem 1400 tickets for a $2 Stewie Griffin keychain

- Assume the guy flying the plane with the Geico banner back and forth all day long isn't stoned out of his gourd

- Flirt unsuccessfully with the girl/guy from Belarus working at Dairy Queen/bike rental stand/breakfast restaurant/parking lot/gift shop/hotel/amusement park/etc.

- Rent one of those multi-person bikes and realize how embarrassingly out of shape my entire family is

- Admire the Atlantic Avenue street preachers for exercising their right to free speech

- Be thankful the "No Cursing" signs are keeping my kids from hearing people say naughty words

- Waste 130 gallons of water at a Boardwalk shower rinsing off every grain of sand from my body

- Take an additional shower in my hotel room to remove any additional grains of sand

- Purchase a laser pointer and aim it at people's crotches on the Boardwalk

- Enjoy local seafood delicacies shipped in from the Philippines

- Accept men in their 40s in matching Hawaiian print shirts playing "Mustang Sally" to a drum machine beat as an authentic "Beach Music" band

- Pose in every ridiculous, unnatural pose those photo peddlers on the beach forcibly command me to do

- Pretend my hungover waitress actually gives a crap about my kid's peanut allergy

- Drive to Lynnhaven Mall and realize that, away from the ocean, Virginia Beach is just like the congested, sprawling, ugly town I came from

- Tap on every aquarium I see

- Believe that nothing unholy occurs on lifeguard stands and beach playgrounds at night

- Envy the carefree life and deep tan of the homeless man sleeping on the Boardwalk bench

- Refuse to drink tea that has been pre-sweetened

- Go home and consider Ocean City, MD or Myrtle Beach, SC next year

Curse of the Meaningless Signs

These signs are all over the Oceanfront in Virginia Beach.

Ask anyone what they mean, and they'll say it means "No Cursing". Right? That's the essence most of us get from this city approved, "must-be-some-kind-of-official-law" sign. "Obscenity (the lightening bolt and number sign and stuff) is Prohibited in the Vicinity of this Sign (hence the big red slash)".  It's pretty easy to understand. It wouldn't mean something else. Cities don't purposely confuse people with nonsensical signs on street posts. Barring a few that confuse everybody on the DMV's test, signs should be universally understood by geniuses and morons alike.  

However, this sign has a "companion" sign that's posted nearby every now and there. A reference sign. It explains what the small round one means a little more in-depth. Just in case you thought you could get away with something not addressed by the other one. Just so the city officially covers everything they want the small one to imply.  

Got all that? It starts off cordial, but then it tells you what you're supposed to do on your visit so "others" can enjoy it, too. However it's rendered totally moot because what you, the people around you, an officer of the law, and a judge consider "obscene or vulgar language or gestures", "sexually explicit", "revealing", "inappropriate", or "behavior which is likely to intimidate, harass, or disrupt" is all different. Keep in mind that these signs aren't posted in a preschool play area. Or an area inhabited solely by sexual predators. Or around the perimeter of a privately owned theme park. They're in plain sight. All over the main, public resort area of a living, breathing American city. The biggest city in Virginia. They're meant to scare you into speaking and behaving a certain way. Don't be tricked. You can say whatever you want. Curse as often as you like. Curse as often as you can. Curse right now! Why?!

You're in the United States of America! 

In 1998, a guy fell out of a canoe in Michigan and began cursing. A man, his wife, and two kids heard it. He was given a $75 ticket and ordered to work four days in a child-care program. Ridiculous, huh? Well, don't fret. The conviction was thrown out and the law to blame for the whole mess was struck down. Read all about it here. The tide is turning against a cursing ban in Pennsylvania, too. A cursing ban was struck down in North Carolina earlier this year. Those laws were on the books for ages, too. Over a hundred years in one case. The city of Virginia Beach isn't even 50 years old. These signs didn't go up until the early 90s.

Cities can't dictate morals. Signs don't control human behavior. People shouldn't be fooled into thinking they can and do. Therefore, the "No Cursing" signs at the Oceanfront in Virginia Beach must come down. By Labor Day 2011. If the signs remain where they are now - the City of Virginia Beach is formally acknowledging that the signs are for dumb people. Hence, the city is firmly stating, without any protest, "the majority of people walking up and down Atlantic Avenue are so dumb that they need signs to remind them not to do anything that might be considered naughty. And yes, dumb enough to believe that a cartoonish metal sign, affixed high up on a pole can dictate public decency." You've got roughly 5 months to come up with a good plan. Folks don't like being called "dumb". Especially dumb angry people.       

Most of us know how to act in public, right? You have an inner voice that tells you when to stop short of burping something rude and hairy in somebody's face. I hope so. Even after a bathtub sized Brandy Alexander, you still have a loose idea of what can get you punched in the gut. We all do. Free thinking "No Cursing" sign supporters claim "Well, the signs are just a reminder to tipsy out-of-towners that tots are present and they should watch their bawdy language" and "Atlantic Avenue is better off with the signs than it was...(leans in closer)... you know...(in a barely audible whisper)... the night Greekfest happened....(looks over shoulder)... shhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Bullshit. Stroll Atlantic Avenue, from 17th Street to 25th Street after 9 P.M. on any June, July, or August night. You'll see blatant examples of filth and obscenity all around you. T-shirts, for sale and being worn as attire, glamorizing binge drinking, sexism, and drug use in full, unavoidable view of any creature with eyes. Tops so tight, shorts so short, and bikinis so flimsy that your appetite and all respect for humanity both fight it out to be lost first. Street preachers fill the air with a tense, thick mood of anger and fear making children cower in their strollers and everybody else needlessly embarrassed.   

Plus, when most people see the signs for the first time - what do they do?  This!

Ha! I love it! If you've done the same thing, go to the special facebook page I started just for you and add your picture.

Please contact me through my facebook page if you or anyone you know has been issued a ticket in Virginia Beach for cursing in public. Not streaking the Boardwalk on acid, stealing a police horse, riding it to the top of Mt. Trashmore, and then cursing - just plain "cursing or using abusive language towards a person". Oh, and not if you threatened to kill somebody. Death threats to anyone are just plain ill-advised in all situations. Even wars. Seek counseling to manage your rage and we hope your dark reality turns sunny in no time.

Share this blog with your pals. I have more research to do,  links to click on, and, with your assistance, some hot leads to investigate - so please check back soon. Take the images below and use them for your facebook profile picture. Add them to your wall photos. Do anything you want with 'em.  

Don't support a sign that has no basis in any law. Don't support a sign that is meant to scare people into undefined "decent and moral" behavior. Don't forget to flip it the bird and take a picture of it. I wanna see hundreds of 'em. Dammit!