Thursday, December 29, 2011

The WORST of Hampton Roads 2011 Official LOSERS

After a typically timid and meager response to my call for suggestions - I'm proud to announce the OFFICIAL LOSERS in my inaugural "Worst of Hampton Roads" list.  Of course I realize that if someone or something makes it on a list in a normal contest they are called "winners" and "losers" would be the ones that did not.  Not so here.  I've switched it around.  You don't want to be on this list.  Therefore the "winners" are called "losers".

As if we already didn't have enough places to buy greeting cards, 
Diet Dr Pepper, and Vicodin.  Soon we'll all live in a drug store.
Eat good, fresh food and get some exercise once in a while.  Crush 
all your pills up into a fine powder and blow it in your doctor's face.

Yep.  Go take a look for yourself.  
On the Boardwalk at 18th Street. 

This place.  Wonder if it still smells like one?

Dave Parker on 790 AM almost got this distinction, 
but once I saw this photo of 97.3 The Eagle's 
Jimmy Ray Dunn, my mind was made up.  Gross.

It's not suitable for children any longer.  Or shorter.

If it doesn't promote binge drinking, drug use, 
or sexist thoughts it simply doesn't belong there.

Courtesy of my far superior doppelganger, Tidewater Eyesores, this
crappy nod to the craziest day in recent history is near Hilltop in 
Virginia Beach.  Maybe they bought their house that day?

Too easy.  

1st Place?!  Unless it was built by a blind kid with tweezers, 
this thing should have been disqualified.  Simply horrible.

Ooops!!  I didn't notice that guy when I took this picture.

She needs to do this in a dim, private barn.  What if
a child or a timid single man in his mid-50s saw this?

Pocahontas Pancakes has some mighty fine (a tad expensive)
   breakfast food, but this is quite possibly the worst muscular 
Indian illustration that I've ever seen.  At least he's smiling.

Sad and disgusting.  Stop being a bad influence.

Giovanni's  has been using this horribly offensive caricature since
1966 and nobody has said anything.  His hands are all wrong, too.

None.  At least I didn't see any.

This monument is full of statues depicting people running
around doing busy war-type things, but this guy is standing with 
his arms outstretched to his family.  The weird, big tooth smile 
lets us know that he's now some sort of battle scarred robot, back
to work for a few years at a job he hates, and then snap like a 
peppermint stick and go on a killing rampage.  The empty shark 
eyes don't help either.  And speaking of unnecessary 
military art in public spaces....  

Are they actually trying to make war vets have bloody combat
flashbacks while simply crossing a parking lot?  I have nothing
against what this mural is trying to raise awareness of, but jeez, 
this one just sort of makes me lightheaded and I get that metallic
taste in my mouth.  Yuck.  Also, the moral of this mural would
have been better expressed on a wall without the restaurant's
name and a huge marquee on it.  Just sayin'.  Can we just have
murals with dancing shrimp wearing sunglasses?  Please.  

I don't even want to think about this place right now.  It makes me
nauseous.  Read the review I wrote about it on yelp.  It should be
at the top.  Scroll down if you don't see it, dummy.  

Food photography is an art form.  It involves careful lighting, lens
selection, and layout.  You're trying to reach people's taste buds
through their eyes and you don't have a chance to tell the viewer 
that the food actually tastes better than it looks.  If it looks like
crap, that's what it is.  I could make a separate list with 100s
of images like these, but these are the bottom of the lowest.  
I did no contrast, brightness, or focus adjustments to these.
They are exactly as they appear on their facebook pages.

(Bill's Hot Dogs would have been in 1st or 2nd place, but
they were saved by their cool hot dog man logo sign)

The Icehouse Restaurant comes in 2nd for their glistening ham dinner.

Path Norfolk takes the top spot with this shot of....some brown vegetarian 
gloop pile.  Trying to get life long carnivores to take the plunge into the 
world of healthy veggie dishes is a difficult task, so pictures of your food
must look mouth-wateringly scrumptious.  Not like this!  Bluh. A rough 
crayon doodle would have possibly done this dish more justice.

Finally, Coolin' Out with their mysterious "drums free"
drumming takes the coveted Worst Band title.  It was
after watching Dwight, fake drum (very poorly) through
a set at the Oceanfront that made me start this blog in 
August of 2009.  Not only have they continued to rake
in money and fame, Dwight has made no effort to place 
microphones on his drums and play them in concert.
The drums are provided by the keyboard and nobody
in the audience has the beach balls to call him out.

Okay, that's all.  If this list is wrong or I forgot something. Tell me about it later.  I've been working on this all day and only about 17 of you will read this and enjoy it.  I'm pretty much doing this for myself and one day I'll stop and you'll wonder if I got trapped in a walk in freezer.