Mary's Restaurant - Haiku Review

Enjoy your breakfast

Surrounded by a bunch of

Senior citizens

Avoid the riots that occur on weekend mornings and hit up Mary's on a plain ol' weekday. You'll be seated and served and totally full within about 7 minutes. Great place.

Pair of Mice Lost in Jet Crash

Friday's jet crash in Virginia Beach has been called "The Miracle on 24th Street". You know - the huge explosion, fire everywhere, toxic fumes, hundreds of kids traumatized, a whole bunch of elderly folks now homeless.... "miracle" is the only word that comes to mind. Unfortunately, the crash did cause some fatalities. Pet fatalities. Fatalities just as important as any others that would have gone unreported if it wasn't for me hanging around the site and talking to people. I spoke to lots of residents of Mayfair Mews on Saturday and lots of friends and family of residents. Nearly 100. I learned a few things from my experience. First, when microscopic carbon fibers get into your lungs - it hurts. A lot. I've been coughing nonstop. And people love animals. A whole, whole lot. Here are some that are no longer with us.

Pip and Squeak 

(Squeak is on the left in the

photo - Pip is on the right)

Owner Frida D. called them "the nicest little creatures on the planet". She'll miss making them special holiday cookie treats and watching "Deal or No Deal" with them. "We all hated that banker guy that's up in that darkened room. Squeak would make a loud hissing noise whenever he called Howie." Tears came to her eyes when she recalled the first time she saw them shivering and huddled together in the pet shop. "They were so small and helpless. I felt like I could give them a happy life and I did...a horrible, agonizing death - but a happy life."

And that's it. Yep. Just two mice. Amazing, huh? All of the pets have been accounted for and most are doing fine. Here's an update on some that survived.

Hans

Hans the parrot let out a big squawk a few seconds before the crash. Owner Wesley L. jumped up from his easy chair, grabbed his wife Julia, and immediately hid in the closet because, according to Wesley, "Hans never speaks. He's a nice quiet bird. I knew he was alerting us to something dangerous."

Lord Dunbar

Pearl V. was eating a carrot when she thought she heard her television fall over. "I thought it would happen one day", she explains "My television stand is real flimsy. I got it at Super Kmart up at Hilltop and it just leans to the side. My grandson put it together and he said there could be a piece missing, so I called the Super Kmart and told them about it and they said that they would need to see the box it came in. I said that I threw the box out and they said maybe I threw away a screw or a nail with the box, but I said I didn't think so, but I called my grandson to check the trash and see if it was in there, but he said they empty the trash on Monday and I think it was past Monday by that point."  

Lord Dunbar dragged Pearl out of her burning apartment. Neither was injured. Fortunately, the television stand was incinerated beyond all recognition so she can stop worrying about it.

Dopey

"Dopey is just dandy", owner Julius Q. beams. "When I told him we lost all our stuff and had to go live in a hotel he yawned! That's such a typical Dopey thing to do. He had so many lovely gowns and coats and sweaters, but they're all gone. I told a man with the military that they were valued at over $30,000 and he said that he would tell his commanding officer immediately and everything would be taken care of. That was Friday night and I haven't heard anything...yet. At least he still has his favorite hat!" 

Kiefer

Neighbors were less than thrilled when they learned that Kiefer the dog was alive and well after the crash. Don B. lives a few apartments away from him but hoped the dog had perished in the fire. "All that damn dog does is yap. All the time. It's worse than the jet noise. After the initial terror of fleeing and not knowing if the world was ending, I thought 'Wow - now at least maybe Kiefer is dead'. I know it's horrible to think, but it's true." Don's wife and several neighbors nodded in unison. Kiefer's owner Nadine E. says she's glad he's alive. When I asked if she's ever thought about trying to stop him from yapping so much like maybe taking him to the dog place on Birdneck for some obedience training, she replied that she was deaf and didn't care.

Bosco

Owner Sylvia W. says that all Bosco does now is stare at local news on television. When the news isn't on he stares at the phone. "Just back and forth. All day and night. Hardly eats anymore. It's sad. He used to be so fun". 

Log on the Job

Do you have a cool job? A job that gives you access to a strange location where you perform unusual duties? Lighthouse sweeper? Bruce Thompson's masseuse? Oyster shell sniffer?
   

I want to follow you around for a day, watch what you do, bug you with a bunch of questions, write a story, and post it here for my 29 readers to enjoy. If you're not allowed to have people follow you around or some other dumb work rule that could get you fired - then YOU be the reporter/photographer and send me an exclusive peek into your weird daily routine. If it's a job you want to leave soon, we could have a whole lot of fun with this.  

Send me a message on facebook with a description of your job and if it makes at least ONE of my eyebrows raise - I'll get in contact with you.

Tida Thai - Haiku Restaurant Review

Green curry chicken

Shiny table tops sparkle

Hilltop lunch secret

This location of Tida Thai is always empty. Please help change that. It's great food in a cool, futuristic setting and the lady that usually works at lunchtime is very, very nice. Skip a $10.99 sandwich at The Jewish Mother and go here for something unique and awesome for $8.

Laser Pointers And The Signs That Sell Them on Atlantic Avenue

Last month, the Pungo hog farmer currently serving the cheery folks of Virginia Beach and Chesapeake in the 81st district in the Virginia House of Delegates, Republican Barry D. Knight, introduced a bill that would make it a crime to point a laser at an airplane. On Monday, a subcommittee recommended passing the bill and now there's just a few more steps until it becomes a law. I usually don't like rules and ignore any effort made to limit our rights to do anything, but I gotta agree with ol' Barry here and think something's gotta be done about this. Now. And as much as I can't stand jet noise, I like it a whoooole lot better than jet crashing noise.

Here's my FIRST and ONLY suggestion that would cut down the amount of laser beams being shined into cockpits in Virginia Beach by at least 99.812% - STOP SELLING LASER POINTERS IN ATLANTIC AVENUE GIFT SHOPS. What kind of tourist buys their tourist kid a laser pointer for a souvenir? A moronic simpleton. Buy a them a book or a beer bong.

Not only are the dumb parents to blame, but the stores are also at fault. You can buy lasers ANYWHERE at the Oceanfront. The temptation to buy one surrounds you, because EVERY STORE has a sign in their window advertising them. Not only are they proudly displaying signs for the highly dangerous "Green Laser", they encourage aiming them at pretty much anything. Look, I took these photos yesterday -

And the most shocking of them all...

The WORST of Hampton Roads 2011 Official LOSERS

After a typically timid and meager response to my call for suggestions - I'm proud to announce the OFFICIAL LOSERS in my inaugural "Worst of Hampton Roads" list. Of course I realize that if someone or something makes it on a list in a normal contest they are called "winners" and "losers" would be the ones that did not. Not so here.  I've switched it around. You don't want to be on this list. Therefore the "winners" are called "losers".

As if we already didn't have enough places to buy greeting cards, 

Diet Dr Pepper, and Vicodin. Soon we'll all live in a drug store.
Eat good, fresh food and get some exercise once in a while. Crush 

all your pills up into a fine powder and blow it in your doctor's face.

Yep.  Go take a look for yourself.  

On the Boardwalk at 18th Street. 

This place. Wonder if it still smells like one?

Dave Parker on 790 AM almost got this distinction, 

but once I saw this photo of 97.3 The Eagle's 

Jimmy Ray Dunn, my mind was made up. Gross.

It's not suitable for children any longer. Or shorter.

If it doesn't promote binge drinking, drug use, 

or sexist thoughts it simply doesn't belong there.

Courtesy of my far superior doppelganger, Tidewater Eyesores, this

crappy nod to the craziest day in recent history is near Hilltop in 

Virginia Beach. Maybe they bought their house that day?

Too easy.  

1st Place?! Unless it was built by a blind kid with tweezers, 

this thing should have been disqualified. Simply horrible.

Ooops!! I didn't notice that guy when I took this picture.

She needs to do this in a dim, private barn. What if

a child or a timid single man in his mid-50s saw this?

Pocahontas Pancakes has some mighty fine (a tad expensive)

   breakfast food, but this is quite possibly the worst muscular 

Indian illustration that I've ever seen. At least he's smiling.

Sad and disgusting. Stop being a bad influence.

Giovanni's  has been using this horribly offensive caricature since

1966 and nobody has said anything. His hands are all wrong, too.

None. At least I didn't see any.

This monument is full of statues depicting people running

around doing busy war-type things, but this guy is standing with 

his arms outstretched to his family. The weird, big tooth smile 

lets us know that he's now some sort of battle scarred robot, back

to work for a few years at a job he hates, and then snap like a 

peppermint stick and go on a killing rampage. The empty shark 

eyes don't help either. And speaking of unnecessary 

military art in public spaces....  

Are they actually trying to make war vets have bloody combat

flashbacks while simply crossing a parking lot? I have nothing

against what this mural is trying to raise awareness of, but jeez, 

this one just sort of makes me lightheaded and I get that metallic

taste in my mouth. Yuck. Also, the moral of this mural would

have been better expressed on a wall without the restaurant's

name and a huge marquee on it. Just sayin'. Can we just have

murals with dancing shrimp wearing sunglasses? Please.  

I don't even want to think about this place right now. It makes me

nauseous. Read the review I wrote about it on yelp. It should be

at the top. Scroll down if you don't see it, dummy.  

Food photography is an art form. It involves careful lighting, lens

selection, and layout. You're trying to reach people's taste buds

through their eyes and you don't have a chance to tell the viewer 

that the food actually tastes better than it looks. If it looks like

crap, that's what it is. I could make a separate list with 100s

of images like these, but these are the bottom of the lowest.  

I did no contrast, brightness, or focus adjustments to these.

They are exactly as they appear on their facebook pages.

(Bill's Hot Dogs would have been in 1st or 2nd place, but

they were saved by their cool hot dog man logo sign)

The Icehouse Restaurant comes in 2nd for their glistening ham dinner.

Path Norfolk takes the top spot with this shot of....some brown vegetarian 

gloop pile. Trying to get life long carnivores to take the plunge into the 

world of healthy veggie dishes is a difficult task, so pictures of your food

must look mouth-wateringly scrumptious. Not like this! Bluh. A rough 

crayon doodle would have possibly done this dish more justice.

Finally, Coolin' Out with their mysterious "drums free"

drumming takes the coveted Worst Band title. It was

after watching Dwight, fake drum (very poorly) through

a set at the Oceanfront that made me start this blog in 

August of 2009. Not only have they continued to rake

in money and fame, Dwight has made no effort to place 

microphones on his drums and play them in concert.

The drums are provided by the keyboard and nobody

in the audience has the beach balls to call him out.

Okay, that's all.  f this list is wrong or I forgot something. Tell me about it later. I've been working on this all day and only about 17 of you will read this and enjoy it. I'm pretty much doing this for myself and one day I'll stop and you'll wonder if I got trapped in a walk in freezer.  

Goodnight.

Thrift Store Review: CHKD, the one up at Hilltop

This is one of 20 Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters thrift stores in the Tidewater area (22 if you include Elizabeth City and Kitty Hawk, NC). While I applaud the noble cause for which they stand, the 7 stores I've set foot in all suck. I've been going to the Hilltop location regularly for at least 12 years and I think I've just bought a blank t-shirt and an empty record sleeve (just for the art). Overpriced. Loosely Organized. Crappy electronics and books. Tons of worthless records, coffee mugs, and furniture. Rack after rack of clothes that wouldn't even be useful for a "Make Anything You Want" challenge on  "Project Runway". Tiny aisles with dumpy people that smell like fast food always bumping into you. Dumpy people's dumpy children running around screaming and farting on each other. Bad top 40 radio blaring on the speakers. All at 1:45 on a Monday afternoon. If you feel like supporting the CHKD, just gather up all of your old poofy sweaters and Tom Clancy books, shove 'em in a garbage bag, drop them off up front, then walk right next door to Tida Thai, order the green curry, and reflect on your good deed for the day.

Of course, this is my opinion. If you love this place - great. Start a blog, keep it going for over two years and write a glowing review of this place.  I'd love to read it. And there's no real reason why I should keep returning to a place I don't like, is there? You better bet your bottom lip there is - I'm looking for one of these.  

Oh, and if you think this is the worst thrift store in Hampton Roads, you're wrong. I'll reveal that, along with all the other craptomundo things in our noodle neck of Southeast Virginia next month in the first ever, brutally honest and 100% official  Worst of Hampton Roads. Hurry up and send me your last minute nominations for stuff on facebook. Or just ignore this and get back to posting those dumb inspirational quotes and creepy self portraits.

Concise Parade Description: Neptune Festival XXXVIII

Did you sleep through the Neptune Festival Grand Parade again this year? Don't worry - I witnessed the whole thing and here are the only things I bothered to take pictures of.

Look. It's the mayor and his favorite rocking chair.

Not sure who this dude is, but he's this year's King Neptune. That means he most likely works at an investment firm or a real estate delevopment company of some kind. Wonder what he's got on under that robe? 

A big ol' flag.

A woman knitting in a DeLorean.

The ACTUAL Norwegian Lady.

Weird.  A serious, creepy religious float blasting loud Christian music and people holding signs about how everybody's a sinner and going to hell.  Everybody just watches it go by.  No clapping or cheering.  Some dude with a microphone shouts "Give it up for JESUS!" and nobody says anything.   

Oh my God. They're about to do some sort of ceremony or something. They're CHAINING up some poor guy. Even the skeleton with one eye can't believe what he's seeing! 

This parade is sponsored by the City of Virginia Beach. What is this float doing here? 

There aren't ones promoting Buddhism or Islam. Odd. If you include one religion - you gotta include 'em all. That's the fair thing to do, right?  

VB Thrift - Thrift Store Haiku Review

Brand new at the beach

Unsold garage sale items

Cluttered and tiny

The WORST of HAMPTON ROADS 2011 - Open Call for Suitable Suggestions

In the several minutes that I braved without power during Hurricane Irene, I decided that NOW is the time to roundup the WORST of things in the area and do so in a regular, timely manner each following year until the internet explodes.

I want your own AUTHENTIC accounts of downright horrible experiences at LOCAL watering holes, chinese buffets, seafood restaurants, thrift stores, car dealerships, shopping malls, pizza places, shoe stores, intersections, parking lots, hardware stores, golf courses, coffee shops, museums, surf/skate shops, drugstores, ANYTHING and ANYWHERE in the seven cities.  Repeat offenders are also worth noting, but if you keep returning week after week to a place after you found a dirty mop string in your hot & sour soup - I have no pity for you.  

Please just give me your top 3 or 4 experiences. If you simply send me a list of 436 local businesses and how they have wronged you in the past - I'll jot your name down on my "loony list" and make fun of you.  

If you have a neighbor or a cousin that had a genuinely horrible experience somewhere that I should know about - SEND THEM THE LINK TO THIS PAGE or call them and have them write it down on that little pad of paper EVERYBODY has next to their phone.

Priority will go to messages that are sent straight to this brand new Worst of Hampton Roads facebook page. That's where I figure I'll hear most feedback anyway.  "Like" it and share it with your friends. You can also leave a comment below if you want. You're probably on facebook right now anyway, so just do it there.  

The categories will evolve over time. I don't think it's necessary to include "Worst Peruvian Restaurant" just yet.  I'm hoping to have at least 10 or so at first. I'll release the official "Worst of Hampton Roads 2011" list sometime later this year.

Oh yeah, and I can tell who's bullshittin' and who's not. It's easy for me to spot genuine outrage and don't forget that I'm the reigning king of local bullshittin' so try, try, try if you want, but the unfortunate winners of this contest will have several corroborating entries from various folks that have never met.  

UPDATE 12/29/2011: As expected only about 13 people submitted serious suggestions. Most stated that "the whole kitchen staff was Mexican" or "I screamed back in her face that I'd buy my kinky Mrs. Claus costume somewhere else". So, I made a list mostly based on my own impressions. Big surprise, huh? Click here please.