I, ________________________, do solemnly swear to do the following during my vacation in Virginia Beach this summer...
- Sunburn parts of my body only tourists would sunburn (nostrils, tongue, between toes)
- Walk slowly and aloof on the clearly marked bike path
- Feed seagulls Cheez-Its and Funyuns from my hotel balcony
- Bury my cigarette butts and fast food wrappers on the beach
- Change my child's diaper in full view of everyone and leave it to bake in the sun
- Complete no more than 2 successful football/frisbee exchanges with someone in knee-deep water
- Take "The Wave" bus instead of walking half a block to my hotel
- Take "The Wave" bus instead of walking half a block to my hotel
- Wander into the surf zone and ignore all whistle blows until the lifeguard is pointing directly at me from the shore
- Climb onto the jetty rocks and ignore all whistle blows until the lifeguard is pointing directly at me from below
- Tip the lowest amount possible
- Listen attentively and take notes every time a perky Gold Key/PHR representative stops me and proceeds to talk about a timeshare at Turtle Cay Resort
- Listen attentively and take notes every time a perky Gold Key/PHR representative stops me and proceeds to talk about a timeshare at Turtle Cay Resort
- Choose attire that reveals the most unflattering aspects of my body
- Pee in the ocean and jokingly say "Ooooh! It just got warmer!" so everyone in a 12 foot radius can hear me
- Be thankful that there are only 9 Sunsations locations between 5th and 33rd Street
- Fail to understand the basic dynamics of wave behavior and render my boogie board/skimboard purchase pointless
- Remove my hat and sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" every time a jet passes overhead
- Get lost and frightened after sunset in the dangerous wasteland west of Pacific Avenue
- Watch the local news and think how weird the local news anchors look
- Enjoy the first few putt-putt holes, then take it real seriously and sulk if losing
- Spend more time in the pristine, disease free hotel pool than the filthy Atlantic Ocean
- Take 173 pictures of the King Neptune Statue
- Spend $58 on games at Flipper McCoys and redeem 1400 tickets for a $2 Stewie Griffin keychain
- Assume the guy flying the plane with the Geico banner back and forth all day long isn't stoned out of his gourd
- Watch the local news and think how weird the local news anchors look
- Enjoy the first few putt-putt holes, then take it real seriously and sulk if losing
- Spend more time in the pristine, disease free hotel pool than the filthy Atlantic Ocean
- Take 173 pictures of the King Neptune Statue
- Spend $58 on games at Flipper McCoys and redeem 1400 tickets for a $2 Stewie Griffin keychain
- Assume the guy flying the plane with the Geico banner back and forth all day long isn't stoned out of his gourd
- Flirt unsuccessfully with the girl/guy from Belarus working at Dairy Queen/bike rental stand/breakfast restaurant/parking lot/gift shop/hotel/amusement park/etc.
- Rent one of those multi-person bikes and realize how embarrassingly out of shape my entire family is
- Admire the Atlantic Avenue street preachers for exercising their right to free speech
- Be thankful the "No Cursing" signs are keeping my kids from hearing people say naughty words
- Waste 130 gallons of water at a Boardwalk shower rinsing off every grain of sand from my body
- Take an additional shower in my hotel room to remove any additional grains of sand
- Purchase a laser pointer and aim it at people's crotches on the Boardwalk
- Enjoy local seafood delicacies shipped in from the Philippines
- Accept men in their 40s in matching Hawaiian print shirts playing "Mustang Sally" to a drum machine beat as an authentic "Beach Music" band
- Pose in every ridiculous, unnatural pose those photo peddlers on the beach forcibly command me to do
- Pretend my hungover waitress actually gives a crap about my kid's peanut allergy
- Drive to Lynnhaven Mall and realize that, away from the ocean, Virginia Beach is just like the congested, sprawling, ugly town I came from
- Tap on every aquarium I see
- Believe that nothing unholy occurs on lifeguard stands and beach playgrounds at night
- Envy the carefree life and deep tan of the homeless man sleeping on the Boardwalk bench
- Refuse to drink tea that has been pre-sweetened
- Go home and consider Ocean City, MD or Myrtle Beach, SC next year
- Pose in every ridiculous, unnatural pose those photo peddlers on the beach forcibly command me to do
- Pretend my hungover waitress actually gives a crap about my kid's peanut allergy
- Drive to Lynnhaven Mall and realize that, away from the ocean, Virginia Beach is just like the congested, sprawling, ugly town I came from
- Tap on every aquarium I see
- Believe that nothing unholy occurs on lifeguard stands and beach playgrounds at night
- Envy the carefree life and deep tan of the homeless man sleeping on the Boardwalk bench
- Refuse to drink tea that has been pre-sweetened
- Go home and consider Ocean City, MD or Myrtle Beach, SC next year
